After awakening

I recently met Nukunu in Gilleleje. We spoke about our processes and I talked about the experience that everything was falling down. The mind is de-constructing itself since there is noone there giving it any power, energy or recognition. Emotion and physical sensations, many kundalini-related, pass through the system and I often get tired. There is an experience of growing relaxation, immovability in a physical and emotional sense, and peace.

Nukunu talked about that in one of the buddhist tradition he is familiar with there is a custom that once awakening has happened and there is no individual center anymore to go into the forest and spend six years alone allowing the turmoil to settle. From my experience I had a nice honeymoon with lots of love, overflowing heart, and positivity. Free, at last!

Then started material from the subconsious to surface. Pain, fear, anger, and grief started to move. But this time it happened inside awareness. It all happenend to noone – but still very painful. This has been happening in periods. Especially the last two years there has been this inside entering all forms – that is oneness is becoming truly physical and immovability emerges as a result of physical fear i processed and healed.

I experience it as a process of maturity and healing of all traumas in the system. It can also be descibed as vasanas (tendencies) are played out and since there is no one to give this old karma any energy the body is relaxing, happiness is entering every cell, and love is growing even deeper.

When I started, as the called it at my first satsang – a satsang-baby, I was naive and innocent. I thought I just should move on, giving satsangs, sessions, and plan for a life as a spiritual teacher. This has been gradually demolished, falling apart, leaving me without any plans or direction. I just don’t care anymore. I am happy just to be here and that is enough. There is nothing else to do than to listen to what Life, God, or Existance wants from this Satyananda-person. Sometimes there comes thoughts about what should be done. There most be some kind of direction or meening! But there is no energy in it. It is not possible to go against Life anymore. I sink deeper and deeper in surrender. This surrender is happening by itself and I learn how to receive deeper and deeper.

My life in Osby has been like this. Like a retreat. Sitting with myself, learning to receive, to love, to live in a completely new way. It is all about trust and the courage to do whatever Life wants. Truly being here, availiable.

To mature takes time. I would say that six years is a short time. It has been seven years for me now. Maybe ten years for the mind to settle. Meanwhile I sit, I give therapy, I learn to love myself in a thousand new ways.

Many times I lacked some guidance or tradition to help me handle the situation. But I learned that what happened is perfect as it is. I can’t do anything about. There is always help availiable, only that is been happening from inside. Ramana’s and Ananda Mayi Ma’s presense has guided and helped me. They are always with me, carrying me in situations of confusion and uncertainty.

Poetry comes to me and I enjoy this as a means to express the in-expressible. The creative process of manifesting and expressing is a gift and I don’t care so much about the result. I just want to be true and open to what is coming to me.

I have also done a total remake of my homepages with more pictures and this was really fun. Beauty becomes increasingly important for me. Especially the beauty of nature touches me. I often go on walks receiving the silent life of the forest, trees, stones, water, sun, and the wind.